I complained about clothes?

So, earlier today I complained that his clothes didn't match? Well, if I could have foreseen that he'd have an accident and ruin his clothes with blood later on in the day, I'd not have worried about that at all... (Not that I care that he ruined his next outfit either....just noticed the irony....)

It is no surprise that Larry runs. He runs like the rest of us breathe. This afternoon, he raced himself in the living room, couldn't stop in time to not hit the window so he put his arms out in front of him to break his fall. Sure enough, they broke his fall. And the window. And then the window, in turn, broke his skin and severed arteries, tendons and nerves on both arms - the right arm MUCH worse than the left (the left one is shown above).

Some kids grabbed us towels. I wrapped the first arm; Becca took the second and Nicole called 911. I practically had to sit on the kids arm to apply enough pressure to keep the blood from spurting (before I got to the child and the towels got to us, there was enough blood spurted out in fountains to coat the carpet in two rooms.....his clothes and body, my hair and face and clothes...lots). WONDERFUL emergency personnel arrived and were great with him - and one had to turn his head when he saw the one arm wound (gave me a clue that I wasn't just "imagining" it to be nasty bad....)

The right arm sported a "4" full thickness cut" above the elbow -- Larry is thin and wiry....so, yes, 4" is his entire arm, meant that his arm was literally sliced alll the way around, leaving almost nothing together but the bone. (The surgeon later confirmed quickly that all arteries, tendons and nerves were severed.) The left arm "merely" sustained a 2.5" full thickness wound, below the elbow, also severing some arteries and nerves, but not all. In addition, he had several cuts requiring stitches, but no one really ever became concerned about those.....perspective, you know.

Wrapped/bandages, IV'd (in his foot), arms boarded up, Larry and I travelled via ambulance (accompanied by some paramedics and one who drove, lol) to an awesome children's hospital with terrific trauma center. He was treated quickly, given pain meds, more IV fluids, antibiotics, blood transfusion and a teddy bear. The orthopedic surgeon "took a pass" and they called in a hand specialist (oddly, we've had him work on another child of ours a couple years ago). He was great - worked on him for over four hours.

With the most severe wound, arteries were repaired. Larry will stay in the hospital for a few days to ensure that they are repairing and working properly. Tendons were stitched back together - they will be sore for a while and require work on his part to build back up to usable, but that is the likelihood. It's the nerve damage where there is most concern - obviously, it was severe. The doctor told us that there is no way to foretell if the nerves will heal/repair or not -- time will tell. In a best case scenario, most will begin to heal and in 1.5-2 years, he will have normal use again. The doc is optimistic about everything, but very much least convinced about his eventual use of the nerves combined with flexor tendons - in his explanation, of all problems he might have, the one most likely is that Larry will not be able to bend his arm at the elbow. There also is concern with thumb and index finger range - he will be able to lift them UP, but maybe not to move them down.

Larry was nervous and scared. And also REALLY wanted the head of his bed raised....we thought it was because he was uncomfortable....no. It was so he could get a better view of his Spongebob show on the tv they had....lol.....

Oh - and one person was trying to distract Larry by asking if he had other brothers and sisters. He said no. I said "Larry, you don't have any brothers or sisters???" So, he changed his answer to 2. "Two? How about 25?" His final response: "No. I have two brothers (at home). I don't even like sisters." lol.....the kid was traumatized and dopey on morphine....I let him have a right to any feelings he wanted....:-)

Now, to get to work on replacing the living room window...and figuring out what in the world to do about two rooms of stained carpeting. But, mostly glad that my babiest boy wasn't hurt worse!! Steve is staying with him tonight....and I'll go trade out in the morning....glad for the opportunity!

(And then, we will trade out somehow again and around to see Erica, different hospital.....who is doing mostly the same, but having more swelling tonight - they will do another CT scan in the morning to see what's going on....)

Out to lunch

I slept in this morning.
The kids got themselves ready for the day (the "littles" are 6,7,9 - everyone else is teenish). I don't have babies anymore, so you wouldn't think this would be a big deal.

Steve took them out for lunch. He's a guy - and didn't peruse the outfits before the kids climbed into the van. They went, they ate, they enjoyed, they came home.

Larry came running to ask me a question. This was the first time I saw his clothing selection for the day. Here it is.....nice, huh? I asked Steve about the clothes - he said he hadn't noticed. lol...

(On top of it, I sent him up to change. He came back down in size 2T pants that he insisted were shorts....he wears a size 5. I debated.....and decided that since the outfit clashed LESS than the other one, we'd just go with it....lol)

The Cut

Here is the suture/wound opening on Erica, shortly after transplant. Well, this shows 2/3 of it - the opening goes from one side clear across to the other. You can also see the two drain tubes that are left into her on the side (they are attached to clear collection "bulbs", which we fondly call "her balls" - as in "Erica, I'm going to help you with your gown; you hold onto your balls, OK?" lol....and yes, for those who don't know yet that we really
are that crass, the reference is to testicles....) You can also see how yellow her skin still was, even after transplant...(it looks much less yellow now).

Erica is out of ICU now and back onto the regular floor. There have been no real improvements; but no deterioration either from the last time. So, they determined that she could be moved to the lower intensity of nurse supervision of a regular floor. That's about all I really know right now - except that she called to let me know she was bummed because her laptop somehow got wet and won't work.... And, I was glad to hear a complaint about something NOT related to her health -- not because I don't want to hear health complaints and they're not well-earned -- but because it's a good sign for her body and mental health that she's able to move to other frustrations? Wow, that sounds more sad than I meant it to...

Erica update

From a note I just wrote to my dad:

Erica is pretty weak and sick right now. She's in surgery getting some drainage tubes put in to get rid of a HUGE buildup of fluid in her abdoment. Her kidneys likely aren't absorbing or processing the anti-rejection meds - which means the liver is starting to reject. They will be moving her to the ICU when she comes out of surgery so that she can get more close observation - she'll be there a few days if all goes well; longer, if not.

Life goes on....

Even with life/death issues taking the forefront in our family right now for Erica, LIVING life has not been forgotten. Two cutest granddaughters here.....summer fun....wishing I was having cooling off in the water with them!!

Back to hospital

Last night, Erica went back through the ER (and later admitted into a regular room) because of swelling, severe pain, need for oxygen, and fevers. Not good.

Although she was able to pee, her bladder was holding over 1000 ccs of fluid! They are treating that, giving her a broad spectrum antibiotic (in addition to her other several specific antibiotics that she's on), and watching for further signs of infection. If all goes well (as well as they can expect), she will stay in the hospital through tomorrow. No one talks about the alternatives to all going well......

She seems to be feeling better this afternoon than she was last night, when 3 shots of morphine couldn't take away her pain....

Gone home!!!!

Erica and Elena pre-transplant.

Erica continue to do phenomenally well - it's hard to describe. The last couple of days, she has been in a lot of pain and her body, in that way, is struggling. Yet her determination and courage continue to flourish - and so they push her body past the pain and into healing and recovery in spite of itself it seems.

She was discharged from the hospital today!!! MANY days before anyone would have expected it to happen for a transplant patient as sick as she was before the surgery. Less than two days in ICU....less than 2 days on the liver patient floor.......and kicked out to go home?! She is amazing. But, she has done every single thing that they'd like to see in a transplant patient before discharge - sitting, walking (a lot), using the restroom, eating bulky foods and processing them, showing clear drains and healing incisions, removing all tubes/etc.. Blood labs improving, color of skin and eyes returning. All good for my girl. At this point, remaining in the hospital while immunosuppressed - in a 12 floor building full of germs and potential infection - would be far more risky for her than going home......and so she went.

But not before poor Wilson had to rush out and find an apartment in record time. Their previous apartment that they had when she went IN to the hospital 20 days ago is a 2 story apartment with bathing facilities on the second floor. She can't go home to a 2 story place - stairs, when combined with her surgery and her inherent lack of coordination anyway - are going to be a no for her. When she was so ill, finding a new apartment made no sense. She received a liver so suddenly - and during his finals week in nursing school! - and then being discharged in less than 4 days?!? He didn't have a chance to blink, much less find an apartment. But, in the nick of time, he did - close to the hospital, clean and safe....somehow managed to move in just enough things to get her quickly set up....and all done today, before noon! Go Wilson!!!!

Before their marriage, I worried a LOT that Wilson wasn't prepared to take on the likes of Erica - not to mention she can be a handful with mental illness and behavior stuff (both nicely under control for a while now - but not at the time back then) - but her health problems were/are BIG ones. Was he ready to take on allllll that it meant, having a wife who was already as sick as she was, having had a lifetime of illness, having had a transplant and needing a second one badly, even then? The many docs, blood labs, infections, medications, mood swings, surgeries, likelihood of her dying, etc., etc. His chances of being a young widow were big. His chances of not being able to have a child with her also big. No man thinks these are going to be great things. He claimed commitment and ability....I was not so sure. In the end, he has stepped up to the plate - it is clear to everyone that he loves her and he will do whatever is needed to take care of her. My heart is glad to have been wrong back then...

America Day!

Several of my children were born in other countries and adopted by American families. We celebrate the day that they arrived in America and call it "America Day". Today is America Day for three of my Russian born cuties. Two are birth sisters; the third daughter is unrelated by birth and arrived in America on the exact same day as the others, exactly one year later.

We usually celebrate America Day with flag cakes. This year, no cakes. I TOTALLY forgot it was America Day until Mari said something at 9:00 tonight! I felt so bad for missing the celebrating -- it's always been a fun tradition for us! I hate to mess up traditions for these kids - so much of their lives now hinges on routine, tradition, knowing what to expect. So, I'm sad about that....but maybe next year will be a less crazy-full time of life for us (hoping so!) and we'll have a double celebration then?

In any case, I'm so glad these girlies made their way to this country....and eventually to our family. We are a blessed family.

Erica update: PHENOMENAL!!! She is out of the ICU and into a regular unit - several days before expected. She is able to walk on her own and perform just about any function that doesn't require lifting your arms over your head - if she were allowed at all, I'm sure she'd be trying that, too. I helped give her a bath tonight - and am amazed by the amount of skin she now has....remnants from the huge swelling she had, which is now nearly nonexistant - but the stretched skin not sure what to do with itself now. Lotioning her feet was the most amazing - I've never seen excess "foot skin" before. And the fact that I'm rambling on about foot skin should tell you how awesome she's doing - she just had a major surgery and all I have to talk about is foot skin?!? She started solid foods today and doing pretty well. We attend a discharge training meeting tomorrow, discussing what she will need once she is discharged from the hospital - the doctors are thinking that, if she continues as well as she has, she might be discharged as early as this weekend -- MUCH earlier than anyone could have expected. The docs don't know what else to do - they don't want to make her stay just because she's getting better too fast, you know? haha..... Leave it to Erica to confound the medical professionals regardless of which end of transplant she's on.

Elena spent the whole day yesterday at the hospital to help take care of Erica. (She took over for me when I left to finally come home and get some rest.....I'd intended to sleep for a couple of hours and then resume life......instead, I slept for 24 hours!) Elena and Erica are such a funny pair - so goofy - and so very bonded as sisters, more and more all the time. It's great to see them together - VERY heartening, especially now....realizing how worried I was for Elena's life only months ago when she was running away and prostituting..........and how worried I was for Erica's life only days ago (and, well, still)......but now, the two sitting next to each other - healthy and both making amazing progress in their own selves. Both my girls. More pretty cool mother moments for me.

Old and New

First is the new, donor liver. Clean, smooth, shiny, healthy.

Second is the old one right after it was removed from Erica's body.

A nurse who took Erica's much-requested photos here - brought me the camera straight from the operating room before the surgery was even over - she described the old liver as "all disgusting and warty". Very professional - and accurate.

The new liver is working phenomenally well. Erica's body is, so far, showing no signs of rejection. If I thought my girl was strong before, watching her over the last day-and-a-half has taught me new things about strength. She is determined to heal, to grow, to be strong. She says she feels great - first time in 10+ years she hasn't felt sick and she sure as heck does not feel like letting a little thing called pain get in her way......she's on very little pain meds, sitting up within hours of transplant, begging to be allowed to get up to use the restroom on her own and to try walking (but docs said NO to those - until the second day. First night, her ICU nurse declared boredom - a first for her, she says, in working with transplant patients. Erica wanted to do everything herself and there wasn't much for the nurse to do -- so they sat on Erica's bed and looked at photos on her computer instead, watched some tv, etc - lol.

Her swelling is almost entirely gone. Her skin and eyes are returning to normal. Her blood labs, taken every two hours, show astounding progress every time.

She is NOT out of the woods yet. Intense rejection can still happen anytime in the next two weeks (or really anytime, but 2 weeks is the crucial period). Praising her current health....and praying for it to continue.

And, again and always, prayers for the donor's family.....

Transplant Success!

Old liver out. New liver in. 7am this morning = Success!! Picture is 2hrs post transplant.

She is doing great so far (it's been less than 5 hours). Doctors said she is very strong.

I honestly never thought she would live through a transplant this time; her odds were sooo slim. So, I'm awed and attempting to wrap my mind around having just sat at the hospital during the transplant we prayed to get for so many years.....and the awesome idea of life WITH her still in it! She still has far to go in recovery and praying her body doesn't reject this new liver.

Transplant is an amazing thing. We are so grateful for the donor family.

We've been blessed by all of your thoughts and prayers - they mean so much to us!

And.....I'm EXHAUSTED now. Off to take a short nap and then get back to the hospital....

Transplant Day?!

I am in the hospital with Erica. She is doing prep stuff - getting ready for a transplant surgery! A liver has become available....matched to her....and her MELD score was the highest of waiting transplant patients. The operating room is booked for 10pm - less than 4hrs from now. The surgery will be looong.

I'm nervous and scared. So is she. And her husband. Hopeful and scared.

Please pray for her...the surgeons and nurses...her family...and the family who lost their loved one and then donated his/her liver for my daughter.....

For a smile...

This is my "thing to smile about" for today - little kids. This is my 2yr old granddaughter, Hannah. I LOVE this picture of her playing Rock Band - WITH her pacifier. She is spending the night with me tonight - and the next few days - she is an absolute doll. I can't really say she's loving and affectionate - but she can be when she wants to be....and, with Hannah, she always lets you know right where she stands....no beating around the bush for this assertive child. I love her to pieces.

Yellow eyes

One of the most noticeable outwards signs of end-stage liver failure is that the skin and eyes turn yellow. Here's a picture from today that shows Erica's yellow eyes. Some days they seem more yellow than others; today was sort of an "average day" as far as that goes.

All of her lab results were up a little bit today. I can't remember some of them - but the bilirubin was 30 yesterday - up to 30.7 today. Her MELD score bumped up from 37 to 38. I'm still not quite sure what happens once her MELD hits 40 -- I mean, the number won't go any higher than a 40, but what does that mean? Does that mean your body stops getting more sick? You explain to the body that it has now reached a 40 and so all sickness must cease progression? That would be nice....yet, somehow I don't think that's how it works.... And, so she continues to wait for transplant.

Erica today with Caroline and Laura. Earlier in the day, she had a visit from Rebecca and Vonetta and I - but we forgot to take pictures. Later, another from Laura, Heather and I - we did take pictures....it's just that someone absconded with my camera card reader! Uggh. Also, Wilson's mom, Mary, spent the day with her. Erica loves having visitors - even when she's exhausted, she rarely wants anyone to leave. Her spirits today were very high and she had more energy than she's had in days. I heard several comments that maybe she was "pulling out of it", so to speak - unfortunately, that's just not going to happen. Her body is far too sick. Even so, we've all been given a gift the last two days, seeing much of the Erica that we've always known....and knowing that she feels a little better than she has been, regardless of what her body is doing....

Tender Moments

Erica and Abigail a few months ago, obviously feeling better.....goofy sisters.

Erica and Abigail last week, before Erica's swelling set in, before Abigail left for Texas.....special kind of sisters.

I have 26 kids (duh?). 20 girls. 6 boys. 23 of them not homemade. That means, at least at our house, 23+ with major attachment and trust issues. Are they all brothers and sisters? Of course - I mean, they're all part of this family - so it's a no-brainer right? Depends who you ask. Especially in the last few years, as we've adopted just the older teenagers who've gone through many placements, these kids are not about to trust in a new family. For many of my girls, they will not "claim" us in that way, as family. We can be nice people, people they know, whatever - but they don't need a family because "I HAD a family! Look how that worked out?!?". To jump right out and claim one of the other girls as a friend is ok. To claim another as someone you live with is ok. To publicly admit to being sisters? Well, as much as I work with them on this day in and day out, a few of my kids aren't able to do that. Abigail is definitely one. To hear her talk, she has only birth sisters. Yet, Erica is clearly her sister - in word and action.

It's a fascinating process, this claiming...owning...accepting...trusting. I wasn't all that sure these two girls had made it until the afternoon of the second photo. The photo in no way captures the moment - only a partial glimpse into the peaceful, surreal feel that was in the room on that day. It was completely silent, elevated. I quietly took a photo, hoping to capture - of course, it didn't. But, what it did show was Abigail, rubbing lotion on Erica's feet...her daily hospital job. On this day, Erica was laying down with her eyes closed, in so much pain. Abigail tenderly rubbed the lotion on her feet....and the girl of few emotions (sans anger) cried her tears...and they dropped right into the lotion and she mixed them together, the lotion and the tears, and continued to rub them on Erica's feet and legs.

Difficult to really describe, I knew I was priveleged as these girls' mother to be a part...priveleged as a human to witness the vulnerability and love...and priveleged as God's child to feel such strength and light during this time of all of our lives. Tender moments for the mom, tender mercies from God. I am blessed.

It's a Girl!

It's a Girl!!!
Well, she's not here yet....but Elena had an ultrasound appointment today, during which she found out that her baby will be a little girl. She had REALLLLY wanted a boy, but is already coming around just fine.
I'm gonna have another granddaughter! I'm so excited....

Erica and her Liver, part bazillion

Erica's Numbers:
Bilirubin up to 30 now!!
Creatinine and INR also up.
MELD score still at 37.

Erica's Visitors:
Many today - in person and phone calls
She seemed VERY buoyed in spirit - got her hair done, happier, more alert. I didn't get in to see her until 6pm - and could have sworn this a different kid than the one who's been in that same bed the last 10 days. She didn't have any oxygen during my whole visit, until right before I left. She was able to use the restroom on her own, ate just fine on her own. Amazing.

Except for the lab numbers above, her 15mos pregnant belly and her amazingly swollen all over body, her 8 IV medications, the fact that she's in the hospital, her yellow skin and eyes and some other things - you wouldn't know she was sick! (It sounds silly to write...but she just seemed really...well....good?...today. It was nice to see.)

Erica's Wierdness:
She had Wilson bring in her box of coupons so she could cut and sort them. Commentary on this left up to you as individuals?

Site Meter

I have a site meter at the bottom of my blog site. It lets me see how many people read te blog, where they linked here from and some other cool things. I don't often look at it, but sometimes it's fun.

One thing that it shows is if someone linked here from a search engine - and it also shows the words that they entered into the search engine to find this blog. Today, one person typed exactly this into a search engine:

"Can you get any sort of disease from sharing lip balm if neither of you have a disease?"

And it linked to THIS blog?!? I'm confused. And somewhat amused.

Ten years

Family picture from 10yrs ago - Erica had been our daughter for 6mos. These 6 kids were our, then, VERY large family. Little did we know..... At the time of this photo, we did not know we'd be adopting Erica.....we also didn't know that she'd live more than the 5more months we'd been promised at that time. We've been blessed with ten years instead.
----------
Thoughts from today:

She's really going to die. I've been dealing with it - until today. I'm so grief stricken and sad. Perhaps those are huge understatments. My eyes are puffy and swollen - but the tears aren't nearly finished.

I think I might hate Steve, too. He's so unsupportive and cold-hearted (toward me - not Erica or the kids). I still can't figure out what happened to turn him like this - he used to be so kind and gentle. And now, so much the opposite with me. Our kid is DYING - he can't have one decent phone call with me about it?! Why?!? I'm SOOO angry with him. (I debated including this part for others to see - but included it because it is part of my verrry real life right now. Perhaps it will change in the future and I can return to see this to appreciate the change? I'm imagining that's optimistic - but for now, it is what it is.)

Erica and I worked on funeral plans today. The kid is a giant dork. She insists she doesn't want a coffin - "$8000 to bury a bag of my bones? That's bullshit!" Even gasping for oxygen, she's funny as heck. So, cremation is her request. What sort of urn, vase or jar would she like?? I kid you not - she is SET on it being a nacho cheese can from Costco. But she wants us to use the nacho cheese first. "That sucker is $8.99 at Costco!" THEN - she and Elena started making comments about keeping her MySpace account active and Elena can update it with daily photos of her/her can - "Erica in the nacho can on the couch....Erica in the nacho can at the beach....etc". Morbid humor. We all laughed. When things were quieter, Erica let us know she wasn't really joking though....

I don't want to imagine my life without her in it.

Tuesday morning

This morning's lab tests (see below) included a bilirubin level up from 20 to 28! (See that a normal bilirubin level is generally under a 1.0).

Erica's MELD score (ranges from 6-40; yesterday a 35) is, today, a 37.

I am getting ready to take the 3 littlest over to get a chance to see her - and bribe the nurses to let them in, even for just a minute, because they are so young.... But first, a trip to find her these Havaina's flip flops she asked for - she can't even wear them, I don't think, with even her toes too swollen to put that strap thru - but she asked me for them and I'll do everything I can to get them for her, hoping beyond hope that she'll ask for many things in time to come....but not wanting this to be the last thing she really asks me for and then I don't get it.....more mom issues...

LIVER FUNCTION TESTS
Bilirubin:
Bilirubin is a yellow fluid produced in the liver when worn-out red blood cells are broken down. Bilirubin can leak out from the liver into the bloodstream if the liver is damaged. When bilirubin builds up, it can cause jaundice - a yellowing of the eyes and skin, dark urine and light colored feces. The causes of abnormal bilirubin levels include:
Viral hepatitis,
Blocked bile ducts,
Other liver diseases,
Liver scarring (cirrhosis) Total bilirubin testing measures the amount of bilirubin in the bloodstream. Normal total bilirubin levels range from .20mg/dl to 1.50 (milligrams per deciliter). Direct bilirubin testing measures bilirubin made in the liver. The normal level of direct bilirubin range from .00 to .03 mg/dl

Monday - Erica

This is hard to read....but it was hard to take a photo of this letter with my phone camera yesterday - so imagine it's more clear...

Erica got this letter yesterday. Congratulating her on her listed transplant status. Effectively: "Congratulations on being one of the most sick people in the country!!" When we showed one of the transplant doctors who came up, even he thought it was oddly funny - said "Wow! The only thing missing here is a happy face sticker!" There also was an A+ listed on the letter - sure, this is her blood type....but we also consider it her grade - making disturbing jokes (as is our family pattern) about how I have a daughter who excels at running, one excels at tennis, one excels at negativity - and now, Erica is one of the country's BEST at liver failure. A+ sweetie! Way to go.

And, yes, we DO understand the seriousness and severity of her illness. She is dying. Without a transplant, very soon. With a transplant, likely chances of NOT surviving the transplant surgery and short term post-op. It IS possible for her to get a transplant and survive well - but the odds are surely NOT in her favor. She is dying. While she's here, we plan to laugh as much as we can at whatever we can.

Her MELD score at the time of the letter was 35. Meld scores range from 6 to 40.

Lab numbers for the day: Everything up (bilirubin, creatinine, INR).
On oxygen
Swelling looked like it was down just a little.
Was able to get up and down to use the restroom and asked for a wheelchair to go downstairs (last I heard, she didn't actually use it...)
Asked for food - but didn't eat it

Got a visit from Nicole, Sarah and Megan who will be leaving tomorrow for Girl's Camp. These are the hard choices I need to make also. Do I keep the girls home because of this, because their sister may die while they are gone? Do I send them and let them stay as normal as possible? Is keeping normal an appalling thing to do when I loved one is dying, something that is far from "normal" for most people? Lots of questions....no answers....and hopes that I don't regret the choices I make for everyone.......

Tweezers

Something that made me laugh this week:

I went to the hospital to sit with Erica the other day - Steve came over to stay with kids for a while. He sent me this text: "I found your tweezers. I also fixed the garbage disposal. Guess where I found the tweezers???? :-)"

Sunday Erica update

I should have been giving daily updates here - I will start now and give the updates I have for the last two days. Hopefully it doesn't leave you all too confused and I can do better from here..... (The picture is from Tuesday - sadly, she looks much worse now.)

Saturday:

Her bilirubin is up to 20

She is YELLOW - her eyes are almost French's mustard colored and her skin is yellow, esp her face and legs.

Her kidney function is shot - so much that the are also consulting with kidney transplant specialists for treatment options.

Her heart is enlarged.

She has fluid in her lungs and she is on oxygen now.

She's receiving albumin (human proteins) and blood transfusions through her PICC line.

A few days this week, she really struggled - forgetting things mid-sentence, struggling with short term memory, and she just made no sense. But, today, she sat up some and made some 1-2 word comments into some conversations. She even had a full conversation with her visiting aunt - but was telling her about stuff that never happened (she was telling her she'd been taken off the transplant list because the doc said she had clinical depression. I asked her when this happened. She insists it was Tuesday - when she wasn't even conscious. Besides that I probably would have heard it from the doctor??)

Her MELD score - rates your need for a liver transplant -hung out around 10-11 for years. Today, went up to a 35.

She's gained something around 40 pounds in the last 11 days from swelling and fluid retention. She's just round. And looks 15mos pregnant.Everyone asks "So what next?" No one knows.

Most would have a hard time matching up the vibrant girl they'd met before to this sick child.......

Sunday update:

I took Helen to visit today. I asked her last night via text - one of those she returned to me referred to Erica as "my sis". BIG step for Helen. I'm glad she came. She took time after I bathed Erica to blow dry her hair and straighten it for her so she'd look pretty for company. Another tender mom moment for me.

Bilirubin went up to 23. (20 yesterday)

Breathing is harder. On oxygen all the time now.

Meld score is up to 36. (35 yesterday)

I gave her a bath. I got her dressed - because of the extreme swelling, she has a hard time bending legs. She's too weak to get herself to a seated position or to use her arms much.

The skin on her legs and feet is super tight now from the swelling - it can't possibly stretch any further in such a short time - it's like a balloon, about to pop from being overfilled. I tried putting lotion on her feet - I can't even describe the swelling; it's unreal; puts any other swollen foot I've ever complained of to SHAME - her skin is so dry and hurting that she needs lotion....but so sore that it hurts. And the lotion burns on the places that are already torn.

Tomorrow they will stop real food and begin alimentation/nutrition through her PICC line. She hasn't eaten for a while anyway, so this might actually be a really good thing for her.

She looked like crap and her blood labs revealed a body behaving like crap - but when she was awake, she seemed in decent spirits today. Still mumbling and slow talking, but showed me how her TV also has games on it....she tried to show me a black cat game - and then fell asleep after her first move. So I'm not quite ready to teach the rest of you yet....:-)

Prayer

The briefest of updates to ask for continued prayers for Erica - she is still in the hospital and doing worse each day. I will try to make time soon to post more specifics.

Also, maybe throw into that prayer a little request for Abigail's safety as she flies back tomorrow to visit her other families. I will miss her more than imaginable. Perhaps is true; perhaps I'm just a bit sensitive to that kind of missing right now....

Oatmeal cookies

Today included - mom going back to bed after morning/summer school driving because she stayed up wayyy too late last night!

Looonnnggg wait at the psychiatric urgent care clinic in order to get some prescriptions filled. The wait wasn't as long as on a previous visit - this time it was under 5hrs. Yet, I can't even be frustrated - I'm just glad for this service (totally free) that we discovered that helps people who happen to be in a funky insurance glitch (fixed now, but not in time to get a doc to write scripts - so yay for us, this urgent care place we've found!). We were able to get prescriptions written for five needed medications - before we found this resource, we'd have had to make hard decisions in a case like this -- do we go without? or do we somehow find a way to come up with over $1000 for a month supply of those meds? Hard choices to make - and neither really makes sense.

Came home and made cookies with Larry, Allie, Ashley, Nikki and Megan. Oatmeal. They were going to have butterscotch chips, but those were nowhere to be found now. I was somehow less than shocked to discover that? So, plain oatmeal it was....yummy, too.

Took Angelica (and Becca) to get some new clothes. (*DEAL ALERT: Old Navy is having 50% off of all men's stuff until Fathers Day.) Yeah, Angelica prefers the men's/boy's clothing. She has a lower IQ, although she always presents as having a higher intelligence - until you spend more time with her. It causes a lot of us to forget fairly often that she needs extra help and instruction. Clothes shopping was one of those times. I found myself getting really frustrated - and then having to remember/remind myself that she really NEEDS more help than she lets on....and that, yes, it does need to be step by step instructions, repeated over and over, of how to try on an article of clothing....how to select an item or make a decision....how to determine if something matches or not, or fits or not (i.e. a little boys size 5T shirt is NOT going to fit over her head, no matter how much she stretches it......she wears a mens large....). In the end, we got her a few outfits - success!

In the parking lot, going home, another car hit our car. Being maneuvered by a man who was on his cell phone and paying NO attention and also quite high on weed (easily smelled!)....and who claimed his eyes didn't work well enough to read his insurance card (he let me copy it) because his vision is bad and he needs new glasses....well, is it a shock he hit us? It was a no brainer - he readily admitted fault. It wasn't a huge deal - no MAJOR damage and no one was hurt. The interesting part was observing the wildly different reactions of my kids - ranging from over the top angry at the man to completely nonchalant about the whole thing......

Trip to walmart (like every day?!), broken garbage disposal, church youth group, kids playing basketball and video games and paints and watching a lot of Planet Earth ........and a mom, once again, staying up wayyyyy too late here - hoping she doesn't need to end up napping after morning driving again tomorrow......;-)

Back to the hospital

Erica getting IV antibiotics this afternoon.....

She's back in the hospital as of late last night with more swelling, more pain, and a suspicion of infection of her built up abdominal fluids. They put her on 3 different antibiotics to cover many angles while they figure out if that's even an issue.

Her liver is filling up with air, which is both a good and bad thing. The liver shouldn't have air in it - so that's bad. It is a sign though that, somehow, somewhere, there is still an open bile duct allowing the air in. Scans aren't showing anyone where though.

As sick as she is, she hasn't quit with being obnoxiously goofy. She's made best friends already with all of the staff - she always manages to do that - and watching them interact is funny.

Her bilirubin level is up three more points from last Friday's blood draw -- to a 15.9 now. She's getting a PICC line put in (finally), and we shall see what tomorrow brings....

(For those waiting for news of other "major medicals" here - there is only a lot of "wait and see" - Abby saw docs regarding seizures today...try a new med, wait and see. Caroline has another appt tomorrow and they will possibly schedule a biopsy? Will post with results when we get some...)

Erica's liver update

I haven't updated about Erica's health in a while - and have missed some big updates, as things have made a serious downturn in the last couple of weeks. The picture was taken while we were waiting at one of the high school graduations - too sweet. But, instead of updating from there, I'll just go from yesterday (copying an email I sent someone) and move forward....if it's not clear enough and anyone wants more info, email me.....

- went to see Erica this afternoon
- she's home from the hospital for now, but bedridden for the most part (she is supposed to try to get up and take a little walk each day?)
- she can get to the restroom IF someone helps her, but there isn't much need as her kidneys have gotten so bad that they don't produce much urine anymore anyway
- she can't go downstairs easily. she tried on monday and fell down the stairs. now she has brusing - very painful - and really needs to have full time attendant care available to help her when she needs it...i'm sureshe qualifies for insurance provider care - not while I'm still breathing and have 25 other children to help her, she won't - she will be cared for by her FAMILY....(will tell about how that's going in a minute...)
- her heart is enlarged now
- also her eyes look a little less yellow; her skin looks more yellow; her cheeks are sunken in; she's lost a lot of weight since i saw her last
- she laid on her bed while we visited - and, as long as she didn't move - was still in a joking mood
- she's tired of watching tv - and her dvd player broke - she sleeps a lot

- her bilirubin level (how much bile is in your body) -- which isn't supposed to be above a 1.0 -- zoomed up to a 12.9 on Monday and then a 14.6 on Thursday night

- her MELD score (a number that "rates" your need for liver transplant, using only 3 specific blood level numbers, which used to never accomodate HER liver disease, but now that her kidneys are involved, it does) - for years couldn't get over a 3-4. her score was a 19 on Monday!! And in 3 days, raised up to 21.

- does she even want a liver transplant? "I don't think so."

wilson's mom and sister came to stay with them while i was gone. that was very nice of them. i felt better knowing she wasn't on her own. elena (yeah, the pregnant one) will go over on monday and stay - take care of erica, the apartment and the dog (aka "child").

(my 17yr old/almost 18yr old son lives there, too - he's useless and i'm about to ream him a new anoose when i get hold of him - he spends so much time ONLY "being gay" now...so much he couldn't help his dying sister the couple times she asked him for it? not that it should matter, but besides being her BROTHER, her FAMILY, he also lives with her at no expense to himself...that *I* pay for, because *he* made choices that resulted in police charges, CPS involvement and him needing to be out of the home....and he can't watch her dog while she's in the hospital because he has to go to a swim party with his gay friends?!? Or take out her bedroom trash because he's "on his way out"? What the heck? I'm sooo frustrated about sooo much with him....I can only hope that maybe he really doesn't understand and yet another discussion will bring about desired results and some of the "old, responsible version" of him will show up again? Needless to say, I'm strongly encouraging that Elena - who volunteered ON HER OWN, without even a hint of being asked to do so, to go help her sister, AND is also pregnant - be allowed to use his bedroom.....HE can sleep on the couch whle she's there.....at the very least)

Birth mom of a crab

Larry the sand crab....he maintained his crab position, digging hole after hole, for most of the vacation. Funny kid....

I had mentioned that I had hoped for my 5 youngest to meet up with their birthmom in CA - that was the original purpose for the trip. But we couldn't find her. We went anyway....

We got home last night. Got a call from her this afternoon. So NOW we know how to find her. Funny thing - right when we left to go TO California on our trip "to see her", she boarded a bus to move back to AZ....so we "switched places" on the same day - and she wouldn't have been in CA anyway.... All the kids got to talk to her today - I'm SO glad we can still keep up what communication and openness we have. I hope to take them to see her soon - in the meantime, I will get out a packet of drawings and photos for her....

Smiles

Some amusing comments from our California vacation:

Crossing a parking lot, Larry noticed that most of the license plates were from California.
Larry: "But we're not Californias, right mom?"
Me, absentmindedly: "uh huh......"
Larry: "Nope. We're not Californias. We're AMERICANS."
yeah......and also Arizonans?? haha....

Sitting in a parking lot at the beach, we watched a line of preschool children walk across the parking lot toward the beach. I commented "Awww, look how cute! A whole class of little kids going to the beach." One of my kids replied, indignantly: "Mom, how do you know they're a class?!? Maybe they're just all adopted!"

Haha - reverse of the comments I NORMALLY get, huh??

Vacation

Yes, there has been a great blogging delay. For now, I'm on a weeklong vacation with 8 of the kids. We are staying in a beautiful rental home (for larger families, rental homes are soooo much nicer, more convenient and MUCH less $ than hotel rentals!! I think this would apply to any family large enough to need 2 hotel rooms....). So, nice place. Nice company. Relaxing and fun.

For today, we are just back from the beach - again - where Larry dug a giant hole and then let the girls bury him. Then they made a body and thought themselves quite humorous to include boobs. Instead of feeling majorly claustrophobic like most people who attempt this, Larry was quite relaxed and enjoyed the deep pressure - you can see he has a very kicked back face....cracked me up. He wanted to stay there all the way till it was time to leave.

Problem issues have not gone on vacations, neither here or with the kids back at home with dad. Still, the difference in location is a nice change of pace for all of us.......

Pregnancy updates

Brief pregnancy updates for my 2 girls:

Elena (left) - visibly showing (obviously, and she's trying to hold it in a little here...lol - another sister took this picture of her tonight). She continues to impress me with her care of her baby - she is taking this stuff SERIOUSLY. One joking moment was tonight when she ate a donut - she nearly inhaled it, but blamed it on the baby, saying he ate it so fast she didn't even get to taste it. She has a dr appt tomorrow & might find out baby's gender.

Kate - had her first real OB doc appointment today. She just arrived home from her day a few minutes ago and showed me four ultrasound pictures - very clear. Yep, this is a baby coming...in case we were doubting. She got so excited telling me about hearing the heartbeat.

The girls are actually only 3 weeks apart in due dates (both between Thanksgiving and Christmas) - right now, their big "comparison fest" is about how Elena is clearly showing her pregnancy already and Kate still has the flattest of tummies.....interesting how different bodies are and amazing how they work to create life. God does amazing things.

Trip quandary??

These are Angelique's girls - aren't they precious?! I have these pictures as the screensavers on my phone - every time I see one of them, I get a big ol' smile no matter what else is going on around me....

Spent a good deal of the day trying to work with Helen and figure out what's best for her. No answers yet, but working on it..

I'm very frustrated and discouraged about this surprise trip I've been planning for the kids, a week long vacation trip. I found rental houses online - and the lady for the house I wanted most called back and offered us a great deal - a big 4bdrm 3bath vacation house for $200/night. I rearranged schedules - even a court hearing. Worked out finances. Got swimsuits for beach trips. Only one of all the kids knows about it, so it really might even be a surprise.

So, where the discouragement?!? The purpose of the trip is so my 5 youngest can see their birthmom. Now that it's all arranged, there's only one thing missing - birthmom. None of the numbers I have are working. I can't find her. Now what? I'm trying to decide if we should go anyway and just have a good time, skipping the birthmom/visit intention? Or should I save the money until I find the birthmom and hope that we're able to take the trip then? Not sure at all......

Really good parts of today:

• Swimsuit shopping with Nicole and Vonetta - both girls have amazing abilities with sarcasm, wit and dry humor. I laughed the whole time, very funny kids.
• QT still has 32oz fountain drinks for 59cents.
• Parents were specifically requested to pick up kids from youth group by 8:30. I pulled up for my girls at 8:30 exactly!! The leader said I earned a gold star. If only I really had received a sticker - I'd be treasuring that!
• For Mother's Day, the kids gave me a jar with folded paper notes they'd written. Every day, I get to pick one out. I still have some left. "We all love you because you know the people like to have a swimming pool." Hmmm...thanks?
• Gigantic little boy smiles over the thrill of a new pair of green flip flops to wear to the pool.

Boys

These are all of my boys that I have living at home now. Hmmm.... Is it any wonder I have mostly girls? Just kidding. I think. (Remember, I actually ONLY ever wanted boys......that was the plan......lol)

The day was ok.

One girl got to the psych doctor, after 3yrs with us, and finally got onto medications for what is now diagnosed as bipolar disorder. Anxious to see if that might be a benefit for her.

Went to run errands, an hour from home, and realized I'd left ALL my money and my debit card at home. Hmmm.... On the way home to GET the money, Erica called and invited me to lunch at Red Lobster. After I agreed, she told me she had only $5, so I'd have to cover the rest. (We didn't eat at Red Lobster....)

I went to the bank to get money for said lunch. Pulled out quite a bit to cover some other expenses. I still keep cash in my bra - and, somehow, within an hour or so, $67 was missing. From my bra. I'm not even kidding and still straining my brain to figure what could have possibly happened to this money...so, now I have a debit card but no cash again....

Had to run back the opposite way, another hour, to the adoption subsidy office. Some special needs children, when adopted from foster care in most states, receive a monthly subsidy - a dollar amount to assist with extra needs plus medical coverage. The adoptive parents (at least in AZ) must fill out annual renewal paperwork. I filled ours out and mailed it, but it must have been lost because the subsidy guy says he never got it. I did it a second time - same result. Then, I forgot. After an emergency call today, the day the subsidy gets cut off altogether, he told me that I could drive it to him - no later than today - and it would stay. Well, that was incentive - my kids' medications and therapies are covered by that medical plan and being cut off is NOT a good option, I'm thinking!

Prescription drop offs, pick ups. Library trip for the kids. Mexican Lasagne for dinner.

Found out that another daughter has been making EXTREMELY poor choices in so many areas. Tried to talk to her about those. This is going to be a ROUGH road for her, for us.... We are writing our thoughts/feelings to each other, as I've done with other girls. This seems to be such a good way for them to say things that they might not be ready to say straight to my face....even though we face each other while we write? This daughter accused me of being harder on her than I was on older siblings....of caring more (a bad thing?) about her problems than their same problems. She didn't appreciate it when I suggested, then, that maybe I was a better mom for her than for those other kids? Really - I can already tell this is going to be a verrry long battle for this child....and she doesn't at all seem to be on her own side yet....

Last - and very much not least - after another difficult day, week, month, year, lifetime? - with Helen, Steve and I are pushed into a corner again to make hard decisions for her. I know we had previously, over a year ago, realized we'd need to disrupt her placement with our family, but miraculously, huge changes were made then that lasted for many months and we had hoped to continue. If nothing else, they showed me who Helen can become, a kind and loving and generous spirit. However, that part is loooooong gone and the misery is many months long. She can no longer remain in our home - for everyones mental and emotional survival, including our own. We now work to find what might work for her, and what she might even remotely buy into enough for us to even bother setting up for her. We are considering a few options. And I am still so sad - I had really believed that she could have a better life. (And, of course, this is a much longer story than even my long paragraph here.....:-(

Oh wait, another last. Or two more lasts. I did sit at the table with a few of my teens and we laughed and laughed at the dumbest jokes. These are some of my most fun times as a mom. When they left for bed, I searched some California vacation rentals - hoping to surprise some kids very soon here with a CA trip....a getaway for fun/relaxation/good family time, but also so the 5 youngest sibs can see their birth mom who lives there now.....hoping I can get this trip in place. We need it.

Larry has a request

Larry - "Mom, can I get a dog?"

Mom - "No, I don't think so. Not right now." (meaning "at this point in our lives")

Larry - "Ok."

pause

Larry - "Can I get a dog after we go to the movies?"

Yes son. 3:18 is a bad time for a new dog. 6pm is MUCH better.

Mellow day...

I've been up since 9:12....lol, not sure why I noticed the exact time....but sleeping in is nice. (OK - I got up 3 other times before that to help find keys, get out more bottles of juice, and find someone the remote to the TV...BUT, I got up "for reals" at 9:12...)

Had a nice mellow morning, no kid fights at all. Wait - one - "Angelica needs to watch her attitude" (umm...duh.) - but required no mom intervention. Without me asking, almost all of the kids did their chores and their Saturday chores - and some even asked "Mom, what else do you want us to do?" I know, I know....if I can bottle the air here, I'll send it on...lol.

2 girls went to sleepover last night and were supposed to be home "sometime this morning" - I accepted this vague curfew...up until 11:59a.m. Then, it was no longer morning. Coming home at 12:14 was a good try - but got them a 2wk home confinement. (1 day per minute; been our rule for years - no surprises). Knowing the rule in advance, they didn't even squawk at being reminded of the consequence....again, must be the air?

Bethany is making cinnamon rolls right now - so actually, it just MIGHT be the air! lol.... She wants to take some to church at her new young adult ward tomorrow - I convinced her that she "wanted" to make enough to share with us, too? Bethany's a good kid and loves to do things for people - it didn't take much convincing.

It's toooo hot to go outdoors and we don't yet know of a pool we can use (the high school pool is still closed and we haven't started the YMCA membership back up yet). Several kids have plans with friends. I'm considering taking the kids who aren't busy with other things this afternoon to see the movie "Up!". It got great reviews....but good reviews don't lower the cost any....so we'll see.....

Graduation #3

Ryan is officially the Showell family's third high school graduate of 2009. His graduation from the performing art school (and the amazing all-school end of year performance last night) were remarkable, very classy.

Rarely do I notice a difference in my life as to whether a child was brought to me by birth, by car, or by plane -- yet watching this child graduate had me stop a moment to realize that he's my first born child....my very first introduction to parenting....and here he is graduating. That's a big mothering milestone - and I'm not sure if I like it or not. In spite of my ambivalence, it seems time is marching on....

A note on height here. Steve and Ryan are tall. Duh. But this photo helps you notice it well. I'm the short one - at 5'8". I'm pretty tall -- these boys are just...well, really taller?

Loss

This is Larry talking to Junior on the phone last week, checking in with him to see how things are going way over in Texas. Too cute!

We sure miss those four little ones - a lot! It might make it especially hard because of the huge amount of loss we've had in our family over the last couple of weeks. Some losses are "good loss" (kids graduating and moving onto their own) and some are "not so welcome loss" (some of our kids who've moved on without the graduation - more to come; or separation of the parents). Loss, grief and mourning are just really prevalent emotions around here right now. In trying to allow everyone time and space to grieve in their own way, I'm realizing that not all of the kids have ever been shown how to 'properly' be sad - that it's okay and doesn't need to be masked. So, there are a lot of teaching moments going on as well.

Even realizing that, summer has come.....and we are keeping busy. So far, it's home redecorating projects that are keeping us busy and happy as a group - very healing in their own way.

Graduates!

Last week was high school graduation day for Caroline and Bethany. I got both girls at age 13...and, now 19, here they are graduating. Both worked very hard for this and I'm quite proud of them! Of my 26 kids, 3 are in their 20s...and Vito graduated 2yrs ago. These are the first 2 of our next "group" -- if all goes well, it includes 3 graduates per year for the next several years! As such, it also marks "the beginning of the end"....and the "beginning of the new" for this momma - a bittersweet moment really.

No time to spend focusing on the bittersweet.....another graduation lined up for this week already for Mr. Ryan!

Thank you!!

Thank you all sooo much for the incredible outpouring of love and support that you've sent on the blog and privately. Some of you will never know how blessed I was by your note. One seemingly very simple note of support arrived at just exactly the right moment it was so very needed....others buoyed me up in their time and continue to do so.

This road I'm travelling is getting more and more bizarre in some ways - and sometimes I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to be doing next. As I figure it all out, it sure helps to know that I have so many behind me, encouraging me and praying for good things for my family.

Thank you!!

Sarah had a birthday

Sarah had a birthday! One of many things that's happened since I've been regularly blogging, Sarah turned 12. She is my youngest "homemade" kid - the passing of time seems so much more evident with that I think. She also clearly takes after her dad in height - at 12, she's nearly 5'9" and wearing a size 11 shoe (also thin as all get out - barely topping 100lbs even).

For her birthday, she requested to spend time at Grandma's house instead of a home celebration, so the hooplah at home was minimal. She got a drawing kit, plenty of junk food, and some clothes. For "cake", she chose to make dirt cups instead.

In the evening, her sisters were graduating from high school. The whole family went - except for Sarah. She was planning to go and even got ready to go. At the last minute, she just couldn't do it. Her anxiety over being outside and being in loud or noisy public places just overwhelmed her desires to go and see the graduation and have a nice family outing. It makes me so sad for her - this perhaps will be a disability that clouds her entire life. At the same time, I've very proud of her for learning to see her own limitations and set boundaries, ask to not go, etc. - instead of getting so upset that she's in full on rage fits. Her behavior on Wednesday about this all was remarkable - no tantrum at all. I was really impressed - definitely growing up!

Upheaval

We are having some major upheavals, rearrangements and role re-creations at our house. I'm thinking that this will either break us or make us much stronger as we come out on the other side.

Continue in prayers for us as we continue to trudge thru without being able to clearly see the other side....

A new road to travel

Life is rarely what I planned for it to be. God always seems to have different plans for me than I had for myself. Sometimes that's great - it gave me 26 kids, which was about 23 more than I'd planned for! lol....

Sometimes it's "less welcome", as is the case now. Steve and I have decided to separate. I am staying in the house with the kids. Steve has moved to another place, but still available for the kids. It's only been a week, but so far kids and adults are finding that this choice is helping us all find a more positive place to be. (OK, the week had some HORRIBLE things - but I still think we're all doing well, for the most part....and that the horrible things, arrests, etc were going to happen anyway....)

As we go through these changes, I'm conflicted about how much to share on a blog and how much to keep completely private. Thus the week of confusion leading to no blog posts. As I've done with most of my odd life so far, I imagine that I'll be more public than many - in thoughts that I'm not the only one going through tough things...hopefully, my sharing the trials and the blessings can help support and bless others?? (Then again, I might just decide to say nothing....time will tell......lol)

Think positive thoughts for us as we travel this journey and re-create the images we had for ourselves into something new...and better?

Vonetta's bagel faith

The other night, we had a game night - here are two funny daughters. Not sure what game this is. :-) (They were pausing for this photo op during some killer bunny card game, or something like that?)

OK - so we have had very limited dollars to work with for the last two weeks due to some poor planning combined with unforeseen expenses. We are learning exactly what is in the back of our freezers. This can be surprising, in both good and bad ways. Interesting, to say the least. Vonetta (11; aka 'Reigning Princess of Sarcasm in competition with Nicole") was joking around about this, as we all stood at the freezer this afternoon eating a huge box of frozen Go-Gurts that had previously been lost to us. We had decided to make dinner out of whatever came out of the freezer - nicely, we found a package of ground beef, a bag of cooked grilled chicken strips, and several cans of juice concentrate. I can work with that. Vonetta also found a bag with 2 bagels. I asked what she planned to do with those 2 bagels to serve 25 people. She said "I'm going to slice them up and pass them around. Trust me, it will be enough. Just like Jesus did it with the loaves and fishes!" She makes me laugh....a LOT.

Allie is 7 and in first grade and sweet as can be. She writes backwards. Completely backwards. Goes from right to left, writing each letter perfectly formed - and backwards.When she finishes her writing, it looks great and you can't tell. The teacher gives her F's though. I thought that we NEED to teach her to write from left to right. But, now I'm wondering - do we? Why?

Elena had her first ultrasound appointment this morning. I was in the shower when she got home. She broke into the bathroom, excitedly letting me know that her baby has a heartbeat -and got teary in the telling. Gave me a smile. I love this baby so much already. Aside from being a grandbaby fetus with a heartbeat (and fingernails) - this child has already given me my sweet daughter back. An awesome job for a 3" baby, huh?

OK, so there is this song out - "Sometimes love comes around and it knocks you down" - (it's by Keri Hilson...on the radio alll the time around my house....) Elena was walking around singing instead "Sometimes love comes around and it knocks you up" - yep, applies FOR HER - lol. I laughed - before I mostly-jokingly smacked her and told her to knock it off.

I have more to ramble on about regarding many music concerts, some court hearings, and some changes at our house......yet my brain is about an hour past informing me that it's time for sleep....so I will continue to excite/bore you all with my funky little stories at a later time.

OH WAIT!!!!!!!!! I forgot some MAJOR news! There is a brand spankin new Dunkin Donuts that opened up just this morning so very close to my house! I didn't happen to make it by today - but I don't plan on waiting long. lol. It takes so little really to make me so very happy. :-)

Calm day of behavioral problems

This has been a very strange day. To tell it, it sounds chaotic and messy and full of problems. Yet, it seemed very peaceful and mellow. Odd....

Jumped out of bed early....to find out I was up before most of the kids, who needed to be out the door in only 25min. That's fine if you're a kindergarten boy - not so much if you're a girl in high school. Not only did I let them all know that they WOULD still be in the van when it left on time - "as is", whatever they decided that to be - but I also told several of the kids that they needed to complete their chores/bedroom before they left. No kid was happy and I expected some major backlash - but they surprised me by being in the car as they'd been asked. Go, kids!

Nonetheless, within 20minutes, I had two girls back home sitting at the table for EXTREME behaviors and disrespect. Helen even let DAD see her "stuff" -- he almost never sees it and often assumes that I'm just twisting things some or maybe I'm in a bad mood and exaggerating things - until he SEES it, and his mouth drops. Today, he saw. And her outbursts seemed to quiet those of the other girl? By lunchtime, both girls were calm and earning back priveleges. Helen asked if I would go to the post office and mail her a package. She KNOWS I will almost always say yes to anything she asks - trying to show her that it's an okay thing to ask for help. I think this must have been some sort of test - she can't really have thought I'd do this for her? Even so, she seemed to think I would.
I helped her out with my answer: "Generally speaking, the day you start out by calling me an F-ing B more than 10 times before breakfast is NOT the day to ask me to do an extra favor for you. Today would be a "generally speaking" sort of day then." She maintained that she WAS NOT calling me an F-ing B.....she wouldn't do that....obviously I have some serious issues and perhaps need more medication.
Mom: "So, you were just calling out 'F-ing B' to the airspace in the house?"
Helen: Yes, exactly! Don't you sometimes do that when you get frustrated?
Mom: thinking 'umm, no'....then smiling, thinking about how things might be if I DID start to walk around and shout out frequent and random obscenities in a very angry tone....

LOOOONG meeting for Max and Steven. Steven's was "normal" (as "normal" as a planning meeting gets for a teen boy with hormones and paranoid schizophrenia and police involvement?). Max's was not unexpected, yet heartbreaking to realize that he continues to pull the same stunts as he always was doing for so many years. Now, CPS/mental health/group home/foster care are concerned that they can find no way to motivate him to do ANYTHING at all. Sad for Max. Validating for us to have confirmed that we really weren't just cruddy parents who couldn't reach this child - but that no one else can find an answer either. Meanwhile, he's lost out on some incredible opportunities that they've tried to offer him as he prepares to age out of his brief placement in the state system - schooling, cash assistance, free apartment, all sorts of benefits - but he won't do ANYTHING to avail himself of that help....and with cutbacks and waiting lists, his "team" really is doing everything they can to help him. I hope to be proven wrong - but at this point, I see a very, very sad future for him - in the very near future.

Tomorrow morning, Steve and I have to be at a court hearing for Max's case. The kind of court hearing that we always attended as foster parents - only we sat on the side with the caseworker. It was a U shaped table -- the caseworker on the right....the kid's attorney in the center....and the parents accused of abuse on the left. We USED to sit over on the right with the caseworker. We've always been compassionate and helpful to our kids' parents, regardless of circumstance - but they always sat across the room. Now, we find ourselves on the left side......in the seats of accused abusers. It is a more than humbling experience.

Nikki's IEP meeting was this afternoon. She is 12 and will be in 7th grade next year! She came to be our daughter - our first ever foster child (with her brother) when she was only 20mos old. As we worked to find out what was "wrong" with her, why she was so delayed, what was up with the raging and "weird looks" (turns out, those were seizures, over 200/day), and concerns about her MASSIVE sensory issues - at one point, we were told she'd never talk. Wow, now we wish for occasional MINUTES where she didn't talk. The teachers nearly expressed the same, lol. But, remember that helped me put a lot of things into perspective today as we talked about her progress over the last year and her goals for the next one. She's in life skills training and learning cooking and can do laundry. She can write and spell, albeit with grammatical errors and lack of capitalization/punctuation. She reads at a 3rd grade level. She's extremely helpful - the problem is getting her to remember to do HER work and not help everyone else with theirs, lol. To see all the things she CAN do now - and remember how we were told she'd never speak - helps me to not be concerned about the fact that she still can't say an "r" or tolerate having her hair combed....:-)

Elena got suspended from school. She and a friend got into an argument - the friend took it to a physical level. Elena did not, walking away from it all (yay, Elena - even more evidence of her decisions to change!!!). Other girl got expelled. Elena only got one day suspension for "being part of the verbal argument". So, she stays home tomorrow -- and, at the same time, I'm so proud of her? (The natural consequence of losing a day at this school is big - so it takes care of itself for.....)

I have a grown daughter really, really struggling and has such a sad heart. I have so much empathy and sympathy for her. She's got a tough life right now. I pray that she finds peace with some sorts of decisions. I wish I could make it all better.....I keep trying to come up with ways to do that....and then whacking myself upside the head with the reminder that is not my job now.....instead, love and pray and support. I can do that part pretty well, perhaps?

And now, I'm up late with Abigail - she's working on a report, in Spanish, about chinchillas. Hmmm..... It's giving me quite a few reasons to smile. :-)

Double Birthdays

Celebrated Steve's and Wilson's birthdays tonight with pizza, wings, cake and ice cream and some goofy gifts. For Steve, finances have been limited lately and he didn't want us to spend anything on him - so the kids made up a big collage of what they WOULD have bought for him if they'd won the lottery. There were some interesting choices - he was "gifted" chocolates, cars, grills, a sexy woman, a pedicure kit, a trip to Arruba, steaks, stereo equipment and speakers, flowers and makeup. Maybe it's a good thing, in ways, that we don't even play the lottery and the kids won't have a chance to make these dream gifts a reality?

For Wilson, we'd already given him a serious gift earlier (software for his nursing school classes). So, today, he got gag gift golfballs and some Easter-clearanced Reese's miniatures (he was looking for some himself at clearances, but never found any - so we parted with one of our bags. Just cuz it was his birthday....we're THAT cool. :-)

Abigail is on another computer looking up baby names. Don't even ask - I've come up with every question and joke imaginable - she's somehow "just interested" but very NOT interested in having babies. Instead, she wants ME to adopt more kids - and let her rename them!! Yikes! I pointed out that I don't like to rename kids, but am a fan of a child keeping the name that their birth mother gave them regardless of their age at birth. I pointed out how odd it is for her to have so many names. I asked her if I could rename her the name that I'd love for her to have, if we were doing all this renaming. Nope. She's not interested in hearing me out - she's just going to keep searching out names for my future adoptees. She just switched to a new list - a Cambodian baby name list. Oh my, oh my - when she's not having the terrible bipolar mood swings exhibited earlier today, she's cracking me up with her goofy self.

Other than that, chronic fatigue syndrome ruled my day. I'm going to quit saying "tired" when people ask me how I am - this sort of tired is so different from what people imagine. Not always worse even - just really, really different. I just haven't found a better word. Instead, I'm gonna say "sick" - it might help the kids to better understand why I can't just jump up and take care of something and why I pretend to be so interested in Law & Order repeats (I'm really not - but I just need to lay down a bit...) :-) I got VERY little done except for a good deal of work on a new puzzle and locating the chargers for a variety of electronic items we have......woohoo!

Tomorrow, there are IEP meetings and CFT/team meetings for Nikki and for Max. I need to be at both, so hope I'm doing better then.

Foster & Adoption - suggestions for short reads

No, this baby doesn't belong to me - but I was doing a google image search for foster care and this is one that popped up first - too cute not to grab and share, even though it wasn't what I was looking for . :-)

Foster Care Gives Kids a Chance and a Family : newspaper editorial - a good read. Be sure to go to the second page, too. The article mentions a specific area, but applies to foster care all over....

Child Abuse Prevention Month : article by Marian Wright Edelman - April is Child Abuse Prevention Month. I know it's May now, but still worth looking at this article with lots of ideas and links for things that we can DO about it!

Homeschooling offers benefits to internationally adopted children. : short article offering solid arguments and things to think about, also links. (This is an oft times "hotly debated" issue among adopters and for kids with attachment concerns.....like always, I have my opinions and also realize that I am NOT a know-it-all....:-)

Adoptee's Search : story of one adoptee's long and finally successful search for birth relatives. As with many articles, if you click on the comment section, you'll find some interesting ideas there, too.

A Family Position : Some basics from an adoption homestudy specialist (not much here, but I found it interesting - perhaps because that was the job I most loved? Not sure...but worth checking out, esp for families new to the adoption/homestudy process).

Rapping for Adoption Rights : loved this article, about two well-known musicians, who wrote a rap song called "I'm Legit" to promote their rights as adoptees...creative ways get my notice! The article gave me some things to think about on both sides of the open-records issue.

Two pregnant girls....some thoughts

As sad as I am that I two of my girls are pregnant, I admit that I look forward to having two tiny babies to hold in our family come Christmastime....poor timing on their parents' parts, but definitely blessings already...

Elena has done a 180 with her attitude and behaviors - she is NOT the same girl who got pregnant. She is an angel now. Clean and sober, attends church, goes to school to show her baby that she can graduate high school, does chores, gets sleep and prenatal vitamins, is home early, talks through problems, follows rules even though she doesn't like it (she used to run away - she might huff off to her room for a few minutes, but always comes back to work things out - definitely new for her). She'll do ANYTHING if someone tells her it's good for the baby. (Hopefully she sticks around with people who tell her the right things!) I know it's only been a couple of months, but I USED to worry about Elena's life on a minute by minute basis. Clearly, already, this baby has literally saved her life.

Kate - not so much.

She's acting an IDIOT! Did I tell you that she PLANNED this? I found a trash can full of ovulation predictor kits?!? Unlike Elena and/or her boyfriend (who is brother's of Kate's "baby daddy"), Kate and O have NO jobs, no prospects or intentions of jobs, no place to live (O lives with his brothers for now). Neither has a high school education or common sense. Neither will listen to advice, suggestion or the law even. I told Katie that I'm "freeing her". She wanted the husband, the family/baby, the life of her own and the freedom....she's 18.....so I am granting her the freedom to go and get it. If I don't push, she won't do squat. I know she CAN do this - but she's gonna fall on her face more than once - I won't let her starve, but it's time for her to do this. I gave her until 2wks after school is out for the summer for her to be out. She seems okay with this. She also gets REALLY ticked off at me if I ask her if they have a place to go. (Oh yeah, Kate's beau also has another baby that he doesn't support - who's been in the ICU for over a month with severe burns, just a few miles from where O stays - but O hangs out and watches sports on tv instead of going to visit his son?. He does not support the child. He's also cheating on her. Kate refuses to believe any of it, in spite of the most obvious evidence you've EVER seen.

So you see, I am very sad for her. Life is not going to be easy for her. I had hoped for so much more, so much happier. (And Steve and I talked that we are also surprised that Elena ended up with the gem of that family....and Kate the "not gem"? We'd never have guessed either! And we are pretty much NOT surprised by anything that comes our way anymore......lol)

So, by end of May, Katie won't live her anymore. Her "man" hates me and makes no secret of it. I hope they let me be involved with their Christmas baby.

Elena will still live here after her baby is born because she still needs a mama in the worst way. (Kate is being dumb in some things - but she IS ready to do this...and I hope for better choices?). I was patting Elena's back the other day and told her it's like burping a baby. She asked a lot of questions and said she didn't ever see anyone burp a baby like that in Russia. "You have a lot to teach me, mom!" lol.....this Elena is surely different from the one of several months ago.....